poseur me...

Perhaps the hardest thing to realize is the concept of yourself,
your belief on who u are, can be so different from what truly is.
not what other people may perceive, but in action how would u act versus on how would u actually act and think.

the first shock always come with realization that you are not unique, with 6 billion other people, they are not just enough combination to make everyone so different from every other person.
"oh you look like", " oh u sound like" I found it hard to conceive that other people are anythin other that the stereotypical boring individual mediocre.
oh no, no! unlike me, they aren't self proclaimed cool, they dont surf, they didn't hang out in some underground punk scene.
by the day they dress the part and walk the walk.
and i see them not for who they are, but as who i desperately i dont want to be seen as.

appearances matter more and more nowadays, i dont think its always has been this way.
i remember way back that appearances didn't freeze me, did nothing to influence my interaction with other.
probably people consider me as a BASTARD, because it seems thats what we become,
i could blame the people around me, the influence of the job, stress and needs.
but i think it goes more to the core of myself. i have always felt some sort of need to be accepted.
oh! the jokes? no hard intended of course- because if we want to look down our noses to someone else's, then we are on the bottom of the pile.
i fear i may cross the line of no return and forget, what it is to be me and not just someone pretending and easily picked out as the ultimate poseur..