missin...

i dont know how to explain , i dont know where to begin
when i think about you i get shivers from head to toe.
your the best , even though you always drift right bye.

the feeling just dont leave me.
mixed emotions come to myself .some that i have never felt.
when i see you, my heart beats at the fastest rate.

I speak half-truths, afraid to let the whole out,
afraid I'll be swallowed by rejections

but I know, you know what's unspoken.

I look in your eyes and know I don't have to say anything.
we are commiserating not with words, but with nods, sighs, silences
You watch me closely during silences and kissed me hard, and i kissed you back.
now ive been longing for that kiss.

If only you could see, whats inside me.
If only the mirror would show you what i feel, im fallin for you, cant you see? but im holding back, afraid of being rejected.

it occured to me that maybe you just played me. i was just blind to notice it, because i was enjoying it.
did you ever think about me?
coz ive been thinkin about you all the time.
im scared to death to find out that you really never care about me.

you are what i never knew, ive been looking for long, but i knew i couldnt have.
i guess i have to convince myself hating you, because its much easier than missing you, but its weird forgetting what you look like.
damn!

poseur me...

Perhaps the hardest thing to realize is the concept of yourself,
your belief on who u are, can be so different from what truly is.
not what other people may perceive, but in action how would u act versus on how would u actually act and think.

the first shock always come with realization that you are not unique, with 6 billion other people, they are not just enough combination to make everyone so different from every other person.
"oh you look like", " oh u sound like" I found it hard to conceive that other people are anythin other that the stereotypical boring individual mediocre.
oh no, no! unlike me, they aren't self proclaimed cool, they dont surf, they didn't hang out in some underground punk scene.
by the day they dress the part and walk the walk.
and i see them not for who they are, but as who i desperately i dont want to be seen as.

appearances matter more and more nowadays, i dont think its always has been this way.
i remember way back that appearances didn't freeze me, did nothing to influence my interaction with other.
probably people consider me as a BASTARD, because it seems thats what we become,
i could blame the people around me, the influence of the job, stress and needs.
but i think it goes more to the core of myself. i have always felt some sort of need to be accepted.
oh! the jokes? no hard intended of course- because if we want to look down our noses to someone else's, then we are on the bottom of the pile.
i fear i may cross the line of no return and forget, what it is to be me and not just someone pretending and easily picked out as the ultimate poseur..

afraid to......

your all over my head, wherever i look around ,all i see was your face.
how can i forget the night we kissed.
it was kinnda awkward, but i kinnda like it.

and i know it was so hard for you, specially that you have to tell someone about the thing i know you know we shared in common.

after that night, i cant stop thinking about you. but then i havent seen you for long, not even heard about you. i tried not to think about you, pretend that night was totally no mean to me, pretend that i dont fucking care, because i wanted to protect you, i dont wanna put in you in trouble, but the harder i tried, the harder i cant forget about you.
somehow i managed to forget about you, not completely though,


but after seeing you again, i just said to myself " here we go again"
i didnt intend it to happen, but i have no power over my feelings and emotions.

i miss the smile on your face, i miss the smell of beer coming from your mouth, i miss the way you look at me as if we were talking with our eyes, i miss how you sneak to hold me,
oh god! i swear! i hated that feelin.

I try desperately to not fall in love,But you are all I am thinking of
Yes, we've almost made love,
But we've only made love in my minds

im too frightened of the great pain that will occur, that my love for will be ignore.
im Afraid to get hurt . more scared that, that love will inevitably burn out!
but What can any of us do to NOT fall in love?

im afraid to fall in love because, what if im the only one that fell and you were still standing?

i really wanna ask if you like me or you just like the thought of flirting with me?
but im afraid that im just gonna scared you off.

Probably i was just expecting too much, This is certainly desirable but difficult to achieve.

To this day I still don't fancy it, and am always afraid of what will happen later, based on what I saw on how u acted .
and i can tell that you Doesn't always feel comfortable letting someone into your private world. your too Careful of your reputation, afraid what other will say and think. it looks like you dont like anyone too close to you.
but i completely understand why, and i know where i should stand.

it came from your mouth that "its hard to be friends with you"
and thats make me think, what more of being in love with you.

for me , loving you was like a drinking binge . You have fun for about six hours and the rest is an indeterminable time of pain.

i know that in a relationship was like "yeah we'll probably break up some day, I'll call you a bitch and you'll call me an asshole and we'll curse each other until our deaths,
But I suppose once you feel that way, there's not much we can do about it-or rather, care to do anything against it

im so inlove with you, but i cant freely let it out, and im so damn fucking scared to show it all, because of one damn reason. " its fucking complicated"

fuck complications!!

but i cant do anything but torture myself, and let go of my feelings to the person im loving most. because im afraid that the kissed we had would be the last.